Guilt is a word that has come up several times recently; both my own and from clients. It’s something that can be quite a conundrum because it implies that we’ve done something wrong when in most cases, it simply isn’t true.
The definition of guilt is:
‘The fact of having committed a specified or implied offence or crime’
Guilt is an emotion and is frequently not related to fact at all, particularly when it’s a feeling that comes up about something that hasn’t happened or is not of your doing.
It can be on a global scale such as related to changes in the world, a national scale such as wondering if you’re doing enough to help in the pandemic, a local scale such as relating to specific requests for help and support and related to your family or household.
It can also come in other ways too. Hearing about people dying and yet feeling frustrated because you can’t go for coffee with a friend. Should you even think about such things when there are people who are really struggling? Or perhaps not being able to do things for your family yet not wanting to put them at risk. The guilt goes on and on.
It’s easy to say that you don’t need to feel guilty. It’s like saying that you don’t need to feel sad or angry or anxious. Just because you hear the words, it doesn’t mean that you can follow the action.
Perhaps an easier way to approach it might be to challenge it. Ask yourself what you are doing and if you can do more then that’s great but if not, never underestimate your contribution.
If your guilt is related to something that you have said or not said, done or not done, then you have a choice. You can decide if it is still relevant and if so, you can do something about it. Take ownership of your thoughts and actions and think about how you can address them.
Guilt is often related to feeling like you should be doing more without reflecting on what you’ve actually done or continue to do.
We can’t all change the world with the big stuff because then there wouldn’t be anyone to change the smaller but equally important stuff. We can’t all offer time for bigger commitments but offering it on a smaller scale is equally important. People helping with testing and vaccinating is really important but so is keeping an eye on your elderly neighbour. That goes for your family too. If you’re struggling to do the bigger stuff whether it’s daily home schooling, keeping them entertained when everything is closed or you’re trying to stretch your time between family and work commitments, then remember that every thing that you do makes a difference.
When it comes to guilt, it is often connected to things not done and the easiest way to manage the feeling is to remind yourself of everything that you ARE doing. Every kind word, every suggestion of how to do something, every book you read together, every meal you prepare, every conversation that you have, every bit of good news that you share, every little errand that you run that only takes you 5 minutes but which creates a disproportionate amount of appreciation and gratitude because it might be a small job for you but it meant a great deal to the recipient.
Look for the positives in what you are doing. Acknowledge the difficulties around you and do what you can and always remind yourself of all the ways in which you help, support and are doing your very best.
And if you’re feeling guilty about dreaming of better times or catching up with friends or planning holidays, a wedding, a celebration,then it’s worth remembering that dreaming is what gets people to the places that they want to be whether it’s a job change, a move, a holiday, a bigger change in your life or simply planning ahead for the coming year. Dreaming is a way of lifting your spirits and giving you focus. It costs nothing and puts no-one at risk. You don’t have to be everything to everyone; you are enough and you’re doing enough.