When you’re having IVF treatment, do you need to tell your friends and family?
This is the biggest question to wrestle with because there is no right answer. There are so many reasons to share this news with those you care for and know will support you through your IVF treatment and yet there are equally good reasons to keep this precious information to yourselves.
Until you embark on the process of IVF, you have no idea how you’re going to feel both physically and mentally. The build-up can seem slow to start with but once things start moving, it can feel like you’re on an express train and trying to cling on while working out where you are. It’s all encompassing and brings with it a tidal wave of emotions from sheer terror to firework popping excitement like you’ve never known before. You may even find that you’re feeling several emotions all at once (strictly speaking you’re actually feeling them separately but they’re coming thick and fast one after the other so it feels like they’re all happening at the same time!).
I’d love to tell you the right thing to do but the simple truth is that I can’t because you’re you and your needs are very personal and individual to you.
I do want to help though so let’s explore some points to consider when you’re trying to decide how to approach this question:
- Do I have to tell anyone if I don’t want to?
The short answer is no. The slightly longer answer is to think about why you don’t want to tell anyone? If you’re worried about them over-fussing around you or asking you every 5 minutes if you’re ok, then that can increase your stress rather than relieving it. Are there other reasons that are causing you to keep this to yourself? Are they valid reasons or just a fear of sharing your dream? If you don’t want your work colleagues to know because it may impact on your work relationships then unless you’re working in an environment with increased risks to either the process or pregnant women, they don’t need to know until they have to. The treatment can fit around your working day and any appointments can be explained away without any detail (Dr’s appointments etc.). Think about whether telling your boss might actually make life less stressful rather than more.
- Can I just tell a couple of people and leave everyone else in the dark?
Absolutely! This sort of information can bring out the best in some people and the worst in others. It may feel like there is a hierarchy of people that you should share this information with but for very good reasons, this doesn’t always mean that they’re the best people to support you. If you’re concerned about your parents worrying about you but have a really close relationship with your sister, then you can ask her to keep your confidence until further down the process. You may feel closer to a good friend who has been through the process herself than a family member who has never had a problem in conceiving. It might even feel easier to confide in someone you’re not that close to because they’re just a sounding board rather than being emotionally involved. Think about who is the right person to support you in your journey. You can share your news at different times with different people as long as you remember who you’re talking to when.
- What are the pros of telling the people I’m close to?
Good reasons to share your IVF journey with those you’re close to can be very personal to you but some common ones are:
- You have someone to share your thoughts with
- They understand why you’re behaving differently to normal (needing to take medication, more medical appointments than usual, explains mood changes, tiredness, stress, feelings of anxiety or worry etc.)
- You have someone to share your dreams with outside of your relationship
- You have someone to listen to you when you’re having a wobble
- You don’t need to explain if you need help with something
- They’ll stop asking about babies, starting a family, what your ‘plans’ are etc.
- They’ll stop saying, ‘it’ll happen when it’s ready’ and other well-meaning phrases designed to make you feel better but usually have the opposite effect
- What are the cons of telling people I’m close to?
There are some considerations regarding telling those in your close circle and they’re not a deal-breaker but they are worth considering.
- Will they just listen and support you or over-fuss and increase your stress?
- Will they want a blow-by-blow account of the process or just be there when you need them?
- Are you worried about increasing their concern for you which just increases your stress rather than decreasing it?
- Can you be yourself with them or do you need to constantly think about what you’re telling them before you speak (often related to not worrying them too)?
- Are you telling them because you think you should rather than because you really want to?
- Will they understand how you’re feeling?
- When should I tell people or can I keep it to myself (and your partner) until I have a positive result?
You don’t have to tell anyone that your baby was conceived by IVF because the relevant people such as the health professionals will know anyway. If you’re holding it back from everyone else, think about why you don’t want anyone to know that you chose to have IVF treatment. It may bring you closer together and help their understanding of what you’ve been through.
Always come back to the reasons for your decision and whether they are valid reasons for you or if you would actually benefit from sharing your journey with at least some of the people who you are close to and will value support from.
If you’d like to know how hypnotherapy can support you on your IVF journey, then take a look at Hypnotherapy for IVF